Dr. Alice Miller, A Swiss psychologist of Polish-Jewish origin who died in 2010, coined the term, “an Enlightened Witness” which she defined as:
“ . . . A warm, enlightened witness - therapist, social aid worker, lawyer, and judge - can help the criminal unlock his repressed feelings and restore the unrestricted flow of consciousness. This can initiate the process of escape from the vicious circle of amnesia and violence.”
(“The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society”, www.alice-miller.com)
The work of Dr. Miller has been used to help us understand the multi-generational cycle of abuse and the affects of traumatic events in one’s life in general. Many years ago, Dr. Miller theorized that in order for healing to occur one has to both remember the abuse/trauma and has to share it with another “warm, enlightened witness”. This witness provides them a safe place to remember the abuse/trauma and to “give vent to their feelings of rage, pain and indignation at what happened to them.” (www.Alice-Miller.com)
She has applied this theory to her understanding of why those who are abused often, but not necessarily always, end up being an abuser. Those people who do not end up becoming abusers themselves always had some loving adult who was unable to protect them. Thus, Dr. Miller does not maintain that everyone who was abused will become an abuser, but she does maintain that every abuser has a history of being a victim of a person(s) or circumstances.
Dr. Miller has proposed that we consider the thesis that if we want to stop the cycle of violence we have to lovingly help the victim remember and share their “feelings of rage, pain and indignation”. Sadly, what we too often do is to further punish the victim because he/she has become the abuser.
The 12-step program of recovery from addiction the steps and the traditions give one the opportunity to honestly look at their history as victims and abusers. They then share that with another trusted person who may or may not be their sponsor. Although the 4th step deals with a “searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” my experience in working for/with individuals has been that once they begin this step of honesty they also begin to remember the ways in which they were abused or traumatized. When they can allow themselves to share this with someone who will validate their truth without shaming them or casting them further into the victim role, they begin to have real adult choices.
When we do not have some understanding of why we are behaving in a certain way we will do our best to justify our behavior by blaming it on the other person, repeating learned prejudices, or finding some “learned” individual to agree with us.
Although many who read the works of Dr. Miller understand her to be talking those individuals who suffered easily recognizable traumatic abuse, she is also talking about the abuse, which may not have been so blatant or so obvious to the average outsider.
Perhaps it is helpful to make sure that the reader and I are using the same definition of abuse. In some of her notes, Dr. Miller addressed this issue. I am, however, going to use the definition of abuse, which I have been using in my work for a very long time. I define abuse as any behavior, which the individual experiences that says directly or indirectly state or imply that one is less then. This is, of course, obvious with such acts as murder or rape. In order to murder someone I have to consider that, at that moment, his or her life is less important than mine. If I plan a murder it is very obvious. If I am react impulsively it is less clear. In order to rape someone, if one is “sane” one has to decide that the need for power is more important than the sacredness of the person being raped. There are many other ways of behaving in a way which communicates that the person is less than/not as worth while, not deserving, or is lacking some essential because they are a bad/sinful person. We have to consider acts of commission and omission.
Certainly most of us have had some experience of abuse. If we were lucky we had a parent or other enlightened witness whom we could truthfully tell us that what the abuser said or did was not about us, but about his or her own issues. It is not surprising then that, even in the case of rape when or other sexual abuse, when the individual immediately tells someone who is very supportive and keep reassuring them that they did nothing wrong and that the other person has some issue/problem then the victim of the abuse will essentially heal very quickly. They may, of course, have a scar which never goes away, but they will not be traumatized or later abuse others. It is only when we internalize the “lies” of the abuser that we unable to heal and move on with our lives in a healthy way.
One of the reasons why Father Gregory Boyle is so accepted and trusted by the former gang members is that he listens without judging and without adding to the sense of victimhood.
It occurs to me that the essential message of the Dr. Millers and the Father Gregory’s of the world is one of hope. By listening with love we validate both the abuse and the fact that we are not our abuse. We are not less than, not just an object, not deserving of abuse, not an anybody or without worth. We are somebody and who can move beyond reacting and we can then claim the life we deserve.
Just as important in my mind is that we not validate the belief that we are a victim who has been damaged beyond repair. I have seen numerous incidences of my colleagues, judges, attorneys and others who have, in an effort to win a case or be supportive, said over and over again in front of the person who was abused, “This person has been so heinously abused and has suffered so much that they can never have a normal, healthy life. This, in my mind, because just another piece of the abuse. However well intentioned, the person has said confirmed that the person is a damaged goods and has no hope of healing.
The enlightened witness lovingly holds out his/her arms and says: “Come home. You are the same wonderful person you were prior to the abuse. We all have some scars. The person who abused you did not have the opportunity to heal. He/she does not know what to do with their pain except strike out in one form or another. They are without hope. That is sad and about them and their journey. It affected you but does not define you. Express al the feelings you need to. I will not judge you or condone the abuse. I will show you that you are worthy of respect and love.”
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